Timing "In"

I'm sure you have all heard of Time-out. Who hasn't? Your toddler does something you don't like, so you tell at them that whatever they are doing is wrong, and plop them in Time-Out. You might even suggest to them that they "think about what they've done". Which all sounds good and dandy until you realize that you are putting a pissed off toddler into a place, withdrawn from everybody to think about what he's done, when all he is REALLY going to do is think about how horrible you are and how unfair it is because he isn't even old enough to have the mental capacity to be able to contemplate this past actions. All he just learned is don't hit Tommy when mommy is around instead of don't hit Tommy because it hurts. It is merely turning his action to be about HIM, and it's not about him, it's about Tommy. Personally, I don't want my kid to hit b/c of how it makes the other person feel, not because he just doesn't want to get into trouble. Not to mention you are essentially telling your child, "I will only love you when you are good and act the way I want you to act." Anger, fear, jealousy because "bad" emotions that children shouldn't have and are punished for having them. You are withdrawing your love -- giving them conditional love. I love you when you are happy/sweet/loving, not angry/frustrated/jealous. It's punitive, causes shame, and is all about how bad you can make the child feel. Sound extreme? Sure. But even though that might not be how you feel you are acting, it's about how THEY feel about it. So if they feel like mommy doesn't love me UNLESS. . . that's all that matters.

Okay, obviously, I'm not a fan of Time-Outs. I could go on and on. We'll save that for another day (Yay! Right?!). Let's think of the opposite of Time-Out; Time-IN.

The idea of Time-In is to have a tool to help center and calm your child when they need it. First, you need a place. Some parents have an entire corner designated to Time-In's with some comfy pillows, books, blankets. . . others merely have a certain chair or couch they may use. Really, you can go ANYWHERE. Then, all you need is you and all that motherly love you've got just beaming inside of you. (Hehehe). Let's be honest about it; kids can easily be over-stimulated. And toddler especially have a hard time coping with all of the new emotions they are feeling. So whenever something is going on when you feel your child might need to "regroup", that's when you use the time in. The two of you go over there together, sit down, snuggle, read books, talk. . . whatever. Reconnect. Center. CALM THE F*#% DOWN. It helps children develop an emotional intelligence, increased self-awareness, and a positive self-esteem.

Let's try a similar scenario. I'll make it a girl this time as to not be sex-biased. Let's say Sally is playing with a friend (we'll call her Katie) and gets frustrated over *whatever* and throws her toy at Katie. Traditional parenting would say, "We don't throw things at people!" and put her in TO. Instead, you approach Sally, reach out and say, "Come on, let's have some time-in together". If they've been practicing time-ins, chances are she'll accept her invitation, you can carry her away from the chaos, and find a place to sit and cuddle. If it's a nursing toddler, it's also a great time to nurse. After a few minutes. . . or however long it takes. . . Sally is feeling better - you know, she's got that warm and fuzzy feeling -- and she gets up to explore. She may go back to play and if she does, you know her batteries are recharged and she is at a much better mental state to go back to playing. All is Well.

What if you have the resistant toddler? That's okay, too. Time-In is an invitation, nothing that is forced (unless you have to do so for the safety of your toddler or someone else). You can sit on the ground between the two children and begin the time-in process right there.

Some people might argue that time-in are rewarding bad behavior. These aren't dogs. For any human, aggression feels unpleasant, so it's not like they'll think, "Wow, I threw my toy and mommy came over to cuddle with me!" Ideally, you want your kids to know that they can get love, affection, and attention anytime they need it. Poor behavior due to the need for attention is another problem entirely and the behavior is merely a symptom of an unmet need (love and affection). Time-In's are simply being kind and compassionate to your child to help him learn more appropriate ways to deal with his frustrations, while still letting him know that it's okay and normal to feel that way sometimes. Kapeesh?

Spoiled Sweet

I hate it when people say, "Don't do that - you're spoiling her!"

Okay, there are some cases when "spoiling" could be a problem. A child who gets every toy they want, whenever they want it, for example. And really, I think material things are really the only good example I can think of.

When babies are very small, you hear that a lot when they cry. Thank goodness I never did, or I probably would've ripped someone a new one. And I'm not talking about sleep training, here. I'm talking about. . . when your 8 month old is crying because he wants held and another adult tries to tell you not to pick her up because that will "spoil" her. That by picking her up, she is manipulating you do fall victim to her every wish and desire. And then they wonder why their 10 month old is so clingy and having issues with separation anxiety. Babies need to feel secure, attached, and loved. Like my mom always told me, "There is no such thing as spoiling a baby!"

So once B turned one I thought I would stop hearing that. Ohhh no. Since when is meeting your child's emotional needs defined as spoiling? I understand they they need boundaries and limitations. But if I let her nurse when she wants to nurse, that's not spoiling her. I'm feeding her. If she wants picked up and I pick her up, that's not spoiling her. That's being a loving mother. If she wants me to read her a book for the 100th time and I read it, I'm not spoiling her. I'm being active in her learning. If she wants to walk instead of ride in the stroller and I let her walk, I'm not spoiling her. I'm letting her exercise and be independent. If she refuses to sit in her highchair for dinner and I don't force her, I'm not spoiling her. I'm letting her trust her own hunger cues. Ifwe go into a crowded room and I let her cling to me for 15 min (or 20 or 30 or 40) I'm not spoiling her. I'm letting her find comfort in me so that she can find her own independence when she is developmentally ready.

Really. . . the list could go on and on. I believe that babies are are cared for from birth on will grow up to be caring, empathetic children and adults. When you are sensitive to the needs of your child, they become sensitive themselves. Being able to see things from their perspective is so important no only in anticipating their needs or reactions, but in helping them learn how to be sensitive to other people's moods. I truly believe that by "spoiling" a child, you are raising a connected, careful, loving, confident, compassionate little person. Come to think of it, I LOVE spoiling B. She is growing up learning that is is safe to trust others, that the world is a warm and responsive place, at her needs will be met, and that she can be whatever kind of Velcro baby she wants because I would be thrilled to know she is capable of forming strong loving bonds with people. Not with objects. That's how I spoil my baby. How do you?

Being A Mom

In lieu of Mother's Day, it's got me thinking about mom-hood. When you become a mom, your entire perception of Mother's Day changes a bit. I mean. . . I'd like to think we all knew how great our moms were. . . how much they did for us, how much they gave up for us. . . all of the late night, the tears, the broken hearts after a high school breakup, the excitement of your first date. . . prom. . . your wedding. Teaching you right fromwrong, good from evil. Really being there through thick and thin. And then. . . you have your own kid. My mom always told me I would never understand how much she loved me until I had my own. . . and she was right. And it never made much sense, I mean, I knew she REALLY loved me. A lot. But that love, that compassion, that truly unconditional love is a feeling that only a mother can know or understand.

I have a good friend who is such a great person. Patient, kind, understanding. . . all of the things that make great mothers. We were talking the other day and she mentioned how she hated that everyone assumed she was going to have children. . . she doesn't really want children, and just the assumption is obnoxious. And I can understand that. But then it got me thinking. . .

There are a lot of really crappy moms out there. Sorry. . . but there are (let's face it). So when we see someone like "my friend" we automatically assume they will be a mother. And really. . . most women do become mother's sooner or later, there are very few women who aren't. So maybe it's just a case of statistics. CHANCES are, she'll be a mom. I digress. . .

So then I was having just another random, simple day. . . doing something not necessarily memorable with B and I thought, "I am SO happy." Like. . . unimaginably happy. Happier than I ever in a million years would've thought I could ever be. And just like the Mother's Love. . .this is Mother's Happiness. You can not even begin to understand what it feels like until you are a mother. It's indescribable. Even the parents that have the "whoops" babies, will say that it is the best "mistake" they ever made. And okay. . . before kids I thought, "yeah. . . I get it. You love them. They make you happy."But REALLY people, you just can't understand what that means until you have one of your own. It is amazing. It's like this out-of-body experience you get when you just think, "My life ROCKS. I am the luckiest person in the world. This little person is SO freekin' amazing!". (Okay, maybe not those exact words, but something similar to that!) Even saying that B makes me "so happy" sounds like such a small, teensy, itty-bitty fraction of an emotion of what I really feel. (Haha. Some days. It's not to say there aren't rough days, too!)

So then, I can understand why people would WANT people like "my friend" to have kids. You want them to experience that love and that unimaginable happiness. Because if you are a mom and you really KNOW what that is, imaging anyone living without it is almost heartbreaking. So I just try to remind myself that the average person. . . the average "non-mother" already thinks they are happy. Maybe even REALLY happy. Or SUPER happy. But boy. . . they have no idea!

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Nursing a Toddler

I will be the first to admit that before I had B, I thought it was weird for a toddler to breastfeed. I had the general idea that if they can ask for it, they don't need it.

As with many other things since B was born, things changed. First, I think any other breastfeeding mother would agree that just your perception of breastfeeding (BFing) changes once you've done it yourself. It used to make me feel awkward when I saw a woman BFing in public. I would make sure I didn't stare or make eye contact. . . or even turn my head in that general direction. It's not that it bothered me, I just for some reason thought that she would be offened if I looked. Really, it's sad how little the US knows about BFing and that it isn't more of a norm. I have a great friend that is working in Swazi Land in Africa and when she came home to visit when B was 6 months, she told me all about how it is just so completely normal for women to just whip it out anywhere and feed their baby. I found myself yearning to live in such a place! Now, BFing (and BFing in public) feels like a completely normal, healthy, beautiful thing to me.

So once BFing was normalized for me, I become more and more attached to the idea of BFing. Although BFing is very difficult at times, once you make it through the rough stuff it's really pretty wonderful. I LOVE Breastfeeding. I love holding B and letting her snuggle into me. I love the way she likes pet my hand while my arms are wrapped around her. I love watching her drift off into a milk-induced sleep coma. (Ok, so those of you who AREN'T BFers now have a mental picture and are starting to get that weird awkward feeling. Aren't you?! Admit it!)

So at first, I thought I would want to nurse until she was 12 months old. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends "exclusive breastfeeding for approximately the first six months and . . . breastfeeding for the first year and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child." Most Americans read that as "You should stop at one year" when in fact, it's saying that as long as you both are still mutually desiring it, keep on going! And going, and going, and going! They put no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding. (Naturally weaning usually happens between 3-7 years of age). Alternatively the World Health Organization recommends infants to continue breastfeeding for up to two years of age or beyond. So okay. . . now I saw the "official" recommendations. Now I needed to decide what I wanted to do.

So again - I love breastfeeding. And B really seems to also. So obviously, it is still "mutually desired". So I've jumped on that train of culturally weird moms who are breastfeeding their toddlers. Which, by the way, is less than 12% of women. (Many of whom I refer to as "closet nursers", such as myself). But it turns out, there is a lot more that goes into Extended Breastfeeding than just being something you and your kid want to do. . .

1. BFing toddlers still has nutritional benefits. That's right. . .just because the colostrum is gone and you are no longer nursing a little itty-bitty baby doesn't mean you're feeding them empty calories. It's still milk, for gosh sakes! And I don't know about you, but it makes a lot more sense to me for my human baby to get human milk. We are the only animals who have normalized drinking another species milk. Not to mention all of the nasty stuff that is IN that cow's milk. . . but that's another story. In the second year, 15 ounces (about 1/2 -1 days worth of milk) contains:

• 29% of energy requirements
• 43% of protein requirements
• 36% of calcium requirements
• 75% of vitamin A requirements
• 76% of folate requirements
• 94% of vitamin B₁₂ requirements
• 60% of vitamin C requirements

-- Dewey 2001

2. BFing children are sick less often. It's not a coincidence, it's scientific fact. Nursing toddlers have had fewer illnesses and illnesses of shorter duration. When B is sick, she usually doesn't want to eat very many solid foods. BUT she will nurse. So she is getting plenty of fluids, not to mention the aforementioned nutritional benefits. PLUS my milk still has an abundance of anitbodies to fight the infection and protect her from future infection.CHA-CHING!

3. Breastfeeding children are smarter. Okay. . . again with the "I'm raising a genius child". I'm really not on that boat, I promise you. But there has been extensive research on the relationship between cognitive achievement (IQ scores, grades in school, etc) and breastfeeding which has proven that the longest a child breastfeeds, the greater the gain they have!

4. It's convenient. I'll be honest. . . the thought of weaning B would take a lot of time and effort. It's easier to just keep going until she decides she's ready. Plus, I have a easy way to get her to sleep. And BFing gives me a warm and loving way to meet her emotional needs anywhere, anytime. Sometimes, B will want to BF when she is feeling insecure, frustrated, or just having trouble coping with daily stresses of early childhood. It's also a great way for us to reconnect after I've been gone for awhile. Children who achieve independence at their own pace fare far better than those who are forced into independence before they are ready.

5. It's better for me. It will even further reduce my risk of breast cancer, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, endometrial cancer, osteoporosis, rheumatoid arthritis, AND help with weight loss. The longer you BF, the better your odds!

So I went from hoping I'd make it to 1 year, to thinking maybe I'd push it to 18 months, to feeling positive about nursing until she is two. And then. . . well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. So next time I see you and you ask, "Is she STILL breastfeeding?!" take note of the look of pride and happiness on my face when I reply, "Yes!"

I would also like to mention how blessed I am to have a husband that supports me

in my decisions one-hundred and ten percent. I love you, Stud.