It's not a pee pee (Sex Talk and Keeping it Real)

I have NO idea why I keep seeing topics related to sex and kids recently.  Recently, facebook posts have had so many views; from "purity balls" to debates over when to teach sex ed in school.  I also have NO idea why this topic weighs on my mind.  But teaching my daughters about sex and their bodies is important to me.  So here's my two (or. . . twenty) cents.



WHERE WE STAND:

Let's start with the basics as to where I see all future sex talks stemming from.  Calling their privates what they are.  It's not a "pee pee" or a "wee wee".  It's a vagina.  Labia [majora] to be more accurate.  Daddy has a penis.  I nurse from my breasts.  "Butt" is as slang as it gets, but I think that's still calling it what it is (a buttocks).  By giving children accurate information about their bodies, it lets them know they don't have anything to be ashamed of.  Because kidding around and giving code names is secretive and can lead children to believe it is something to be embarrassed about.  According to a recent article I read:

 "Medical professionals and sex-abuse prevention educators are encouraging parents to teach their kids about their bodies, including the correct words to identify their genitalia. . . Teaching children anatomically correct terms, age-appropriately, says Laura Palumbo, a prevention specialist with the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), promotes positive body image, self confidence, and parent-child communication; discourages perpetrators; and, in the event of abuse, helps children and adults navigate the disclosure and forensic interview process."  

Another plus; by teaching them the correct anatomy, children can accurately describe any problems they have with their doctors without any confusion ("Ok. . . now where exactly is your 'Little Turkey?'"), plus they won't be too embarrassed to ask questions.  “A child should view their entire body as healthy and there’s no particular part of their body that’s shameful,” Dr. Bob Sege, the director of Boston Medical Center’s division of family and child advocacy, told NBC’s TODAY. Teaching kids to use the accurate words for their body parts teaches them that they have ownership over their body, provides a positive boost to their self-image, and increases their confidence. If youth grows up with a deeper understanding of bodily autonomy and consent, they will be more likely to speak up when they feel that consent has been violated — and perhaps less likely to violate someone else’s consent.

Ok. . . so B (and soon S) know what's what.  Yes, I have even whipped out Google to search 'female anatomy' when B wanted specifics as to what was in there.  I'll admit. . . it was a little strange at first.  Being open and frank over things that are usually kept on the down low felt odd.  But now, it's like second nature.  Hopefully this beginning will make those BIGGER talks down the road easier.  But honestly, I hope to not have ONE big "big talk".  I HOPE that little by little, B (and S) will ask and I will answer.  That she/they will feel open to answer any questions they have without feeling embarrassed and knowing I will give them honest answers.  According to parenting.com, here is what children understand, age by age: 

Ages 2 to 3: The right words for private body parts, such as "penis" and "vagina"

Ages 3 to 4: Where a baby comes from. But they won't understand all the details of reproduction  -- so a simple "Mom has a uterus inside her tummy, where you lived until you were big enough to be born" is fine.

Ages 4 to 5: How a baby is born. Stick with the literal response: "When you were ready to be born, the uterus pushed you out through Mommy's vagina."

Ages 5 to 6: A general idea of how babies are made. ("Mom and Dad made you.") Or if your child demands more details: "A tiny cell inside Dad called a sperm joined together with a tiny cell inside Mom called an egg."

Ages 6 to 7: A basic understanding of intercourse. You can say, "Nature [or God] created male and female bodies to fit together like puzzle pieces. When the penis and the vagina fit together, sperm, like tadpoles, swim through the penis and up to the egg." Explain what you think about sex and relationships. For instance: "Sex is one of the ways people show love for each other."

Ages 8 to 9: That sex is important, which your child has probably picked up from the media and her peers. A child this age can handle a basic explanation on just about any topic, including rape. ("Remember when we talked about sex being part of a loving relationship? Rape is when someone forces another person to have sex, and that's wrong.")

Ages 9 to 11: Which changes happen during puberty. Also be ready to discuss sex-related topics your child sees in the news.

Age 12: By now, kids are formulating their own values, so check in every so often to provide a better context for the information your child's getting. But avoid overkill or you'll be tuned out.

I was happy to read we are right where we are "supposed" to be.  When B started obsessing over baby's in bellies, we talked about how baby's are actually in the Mommy's uterus and will grow inside them until they are ready to come out.  And then, they come out through the Mother's vagina.  (Gasp!!!)  Honestly, I was bracing myself for more questions, but that really was all she wanted to know.  "Oh.  Otay.", she said.

SEX TALK AT HOME

Talking about sex with your child isn't easy.  Hopefully by keeping things age-appropriate, simple, and to the point, the girls will be open to discussing anything that's on their minds.  Another thing that I'm hoping to keep up in our home is keeping their father involved.  (Lucky daddy!)  Research shows when fathers talk to their daughters about sex, their little girls have less sex when they're older.  Boys and girls treat sex differently.  I think we can generally agree that when girls start thinking about having sex, they are thinking of love.  Boys on the other hand keep it separate from their emotions and think of it as more of a physical act.  Moms can explain this to their girls, but they will be more likely to believe it when it comes from the source (dad; a boy).  Plus, when a father and daughter have the talk, they are more likely to have and/or be nourishing a close father-daughter relationship.  When girls have a close relationship with a father figure they don't need to seek a boyfriend to fill any void they may have.  Daughters who have positive relationships with their fathers have higher self-esteem and are more confident and less likely to succumb to peer pressure. 

WHAT ABOUT SEX IN SCHOOL?  

There has been a debate over when sex education is appropriate in schools.  Conservatives argue abstinence should be the only lesson when it comes to sex ed.  Liberals say that the increase in the spread of STD's among teens give a case that kids need more detailed information so they know the dangers.  

I started to look up statistics on sex ed in school.  When girls start puberty.  How young kids are becoming sexually active.  Abstinence-only programs vs comprehensive classes.  Then I realized since my whole argument is how and why we should talk to our kids, it doesn't even matter!  Young people are going to learn about sex.  I vividly remember learning a bit about it when I was 7 years old from a book my best friend had.  (I still remember reading the human sex page over and over, ". . . and then, the man places his penis in the mother's vagina.")  We need to stop putting the responsibility on the schools and put it on ourselves.  Kids are going to talk to each other- where they will get horribly misguided information.  They may experiment if they are curious and don't know better.  They'll look to the media. . . So it's our [very stressful and high-pressure] job to make sure they know the facts, they know they can come to us, and they know we will give them honest, open answers.

MASTURBATION:

Yup.  I'm gonna go there.  

It's all connected, people.  I don't want B or S to ever feel embarrassed about their bodies.  It is normal for kids to explore their bodies at a very early age.  They don't know what they are doing in the aspect of how we see it.  If you yell or scorn ("Eww, don't do that!!", "Get your hands away from there!", "That's dirty, stop that right now!!"), it (once again) teaches them that their bodies are dirty, touching them is wrong, and that they should be ashamed and embarrassed.  By ignoring it and trying to distract them is like saying, "What you're doing is so awful that I'm going to pretend I didn't see it".  I've already passed this non-issue with B.  When I saw her touching herself, I just let her know that I know it feels good, but it's something that should be done in private.  "Our privates are private" I always say.  Which reinforces that no one else should ever see or touch her, unless it's mommy or daddy or Nana when she needs wiped after going potty or is getting cleaned in the bathtub.  When I clean her, I ask her if she wants help or ask her if it's okay that I wash her bottom.  If she says no, then I let her do it herself.  This helps teach her that her body is HER body and should be respected.

When it's all written out, it seems really complicated.  But it's really very simple.  I want to be open and honest and THERE when it comes to sex and their bodies.  If you're in for a laugh, check out this halarious story about a sex talk between a father and daugher: http://www.joshweed.com/2013/07/sometimes-sex-talk-goes-horribly-wrong.html