Siblings without Rivalry

Now that baby Squirt is only 20 weeks away, I'm starting to try to prepare everyone for the new arrival. B gets daily lessons on the baby in mommy's belly. I'm already talking about the sleeping arrangements for Squirt with hubs, reading books on vaccinations, and of course getting ready to decorate the nursery. But the very first thing I worried about when the baby came, was how B would do with the addition. So, of course I did some book searches and found a great read: "Siblings without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

I'm a sibling. As is most of the general population. Honestly, I don't really remember any siblings rivalry between me and my brother and sister, but it had to have been there, right? I had heard some CRAZY stories about sibling rivalry, and I just have this irrational fear that my children are going to hate each other and try to murder each other in their sleep.

The first thing that sticks in my mind from the book is how to handle arguments. Even when I taught at the daycare or would see issues arise with my own nephews, I would cringe

because I realized I had no idea how I would handle the situation if it were me. I *hate* that feeling. ("Ughhh. . . Duhhhhh. . . Wadda I do now??") First, it addresses the difference between play fighting and real fighting. If they are play fighting and suddenly Bobby is screaming that Jodi hit him [too hard], there is a general rule in the house that play fighting is okay as long as both kids are playing. If they get hurt, then the book teaches you how to teach them to handle it on their own. (By expressing to each other their feelings and how to play without getting hurt, or to just stop the play all together). When they aren't playing and another child is hitting for a malicious reason, it has you turn your focus onto the child that is hurt independently, leaving the other sibling out of the issue completely. You don't put the other child down, you only talk about the child you are talking to. "That must've really hurt! I bet you get frustrated when you are trying to do something and keep getting pushed down." It sounds simple, but really is genius. Imagine the difference between yelling, "Tommy!!! Stop hitting your sister! That's hurt her! Why you you always have to be so aggressive?!" (while practically ignoring the hurt child in the process) and instead focusing on the child in need and validating their feelings. It's not about telling them, "Tommy is so mean!" (in turn making them believe Tommy is mean and Tommy believing he is mean and hurtful), it's about putting the focus where it's important and solving issues in the process.

The book also has great points about labeling your children and putting them into "roles". Calling one kid smart and the other athletic limits them both and also spawns rivalry. To the smart child, they might feel pressure to keep up their genius status or they may not partake in sports they might otherwise enjoy in fear that their sibling(s) would out-shine them. The athletic child might see their smart counter-part as "better" or even think their parents like them more, giving them an excuse to [spitefully] slack in school. Meanwhile, feeling the pressure to be "tough" and "athletic" and bring home the trophies. Even positive labels have negative effects. Some of the points it makes about labeling are really eye-opening and made me even think about how I was labeled as a child and how it may have affected me.

Also, the book talks about "fairness" between siblings. It is pretty much impossible to always keep things fair and equal 100% of the time. It can also be very counterproductive and exhausting. The point (and really the point of the whole book) is to treat each child uniquely. Uniquely; not fairly. Just because Suzie gets a new lunch box because she needs one doesn't mean Sally needs one too. It's important to teach the children that they each are important individually and that they will have their needs met SEPARATE from their siblings.

On a similar note, it puts a new perspective on sharing that lots of parents can learn from. Sharing should be encouraged, not forced. Do we share our cars (daily, regularly, I mean)? No. Our cell phones? No. They are OURS. It has some great suggestions for elimnating the possibility for conflict and also teaches you how to handle situations so the children can work together, solve problems, and not always be screaming for you to be on their side. All while still recognizing their feelings and frustrations. Ahh-mazing.

I loved that this book recognized the children individually instead of putting them up against each other. Rivalry is normal and something they can use as a tool to help them learn how to form healthy, loving relationships. It's not about making them the best of friends, it's about teaching them the skills the need in every relationship in life. (Listening, Problem Solving, Empathy, etc.) There was a lot of Unconditional Parenting and Attachment Parenting ideas so I could relate; such a recognizing your children's feelings (even when negative) and validating their emotions instead of trying to tell them not to say that thing or feel that way. ("You don't hate your sister." "You don't want to kill him! Don't say that!" See? See?

I could go much more in-depth about its greatness, but really all I can say is it's a must-read for anyone with children or even expect to have children around one day. It's an easy read, you can easily skip chapter if you need to, and there are so many tools you can use for years and years. So much of it is common sense, but things most people don't even realize until it's spread out in front of them. So often we inadvertently set our children up for the bickering and fighting without even realizing what we are doing! Instead of seeing sibling rivalry as a doom-and-gloom to my future, I am now somewhat more optimistic knowing the control I have over it, how to turn it into something positive and healthy, and am excited [in a strange kind of way] to help them navigate through this relationship by doing my part as their parent.

Bring it on, Baby Squirt!!

My favorite quote:

"The be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely - for one's own special self - is to be loved as much as we need to be loved."