Changing Who I Am

I think I've been wanting to post about this but avoiding it at the same time for at least a few months now.

I used to have THE dream job. Or MY dream job. For years I worked my butt off - often for free - to get the opportunity to get to swim with dolphins and get paid for it. I literally would cry over the thought of how happy my life would be if I could ever have the opportunity to nuzzle up to a walrus mustache or dance with a sea lion. My life with animals began the moment I came out of the womb. I decided I wanted to work with animals when I was maybe 4 and my uncle took me to the zoo and I spent hours in front of the baboons. At 10, I went to SeaWorld for the first time and remember talking to the trainer after the Clyde and Seymor show to find out how I could do that. When I was 11, I had my first job at a horse stable. When I was 16, I got my first job at the local pet store. At 19 I decided to major in biology and started volunteering at the zoo. At 20 I had my first job as a zookeeper. 21 my first marine mammal internship (unpaid) at the Dolphin Connection in the spring, and the Indianapolis Zoo in the summer. At 22 I went to the Dolphin Reasearch Center to volunteer. And just before turning 23, I finally landed my dream job. I was beyond ecstatic. I screamed. . . and cried. . . it was definitely one of the happiest moments in my life EVER.

<---Me and my all time favorite, Pepper

So to sum it up, I worked damn hard to get that job. There are 14 marine mammal trainer jobs in the ENTIRE state of Indiana. At the time, there would MAYBE be one position open up every year or two. That job was my LIFE. Those animals -- were my life. The trainers were like family. Together, we were taking care of some incredibly amazing animals. It was our job and our responsibility to make sure that they were happy, healthy, well fed, properly medicated, clean. . . you name it. It's like having 20 children. Your entire existence is to be there for them. And it was amazing.

I had also always seen myself as a mother. So maybe that's why I've always loved taking care of things. . . it's just what I do. When I had B and it was time to go back to work, it was much harder to decide than I thought it would be. Isabelle was my baby. . . but so were the animals at the zoo! I didn't want to miss out on them. I wanted to be there when Nova had her baby. I wanted to be there to train Pepper all kinds of new things. I wanted to be apart of the excitement when anything happened that involved any of those wonderful animals.

When it came down to it, what made my decision was kind of a pessimistic view; I thought to myself, "Which would you rather regret?" In other words, would it be more upsetting to me to regret missing out on something in B's life, to to regret missing out on something at the zoo. Well obviously, that was a no-brainer.

When I was having trouble in my decision, one of the best trainers I've ever known said to me that I need to figure who I am. Is my career as a trainer WHO I AM? If I stay at home, will I loose a part of who I am? To be a good mom, you have to be true to yourself and be happy to bring that happiness home to your children. And she was right.

But I realized that what I am is a mom. And if I stayed at work, I couldn't be the mom that I wanted to be. It would be like half-assing it; and I don't like to half-ass things. I wanted to be there for ALL of the holidays. I wanted to share in traditions. I wanted to be the one to take my daughter on "field trips" and to the park and to the pool and where ever else she wanted to go. I wouldn't be okay with missing a soccer game or not being able to be the girl scout leader b/c I was too busy with work. I wanted to raise her full-time; not just when I was off the clock.

<--with my nephew, 8 months prego in a show

I left the zoo to stay at home with B on July 31, 2010. Over the past year+, I realize that who I was a year ago is such a different person than who I am today. For so long, the zoo was my life, and I DO feel like I'm loosing a part of it, a part of me, every day. But, I also realize how much I have gained in the past year from being home with B. Being a different person doesn't have to be a bad thing. I try to go in to the zoo to volunteer as much as I can and get my "fix". . . and get a little piece of that part of me back. . . but in the meantime, I just love being a mom. And it's pretty great.