I am a nut for online articles about things that I feel passionate about. Breastfeeding. . . organic foods. . . positive parenting. . . When I find a place that can put a bunch of things into a nutshell, it's like a candy shop.
Via the Attachment Parenting Group on Babycenter, I came across an article and then a blog about R.I.E. It stands for "Resources for Infant Educarers". So basically, it's a program developed by a lady named Magda Gerber where people (mostly parents) can go to classes, read literature, etc to learn about techniques and theories on parenting. When most people think of "Infant" they think newborn, but scientifically speaking infancy is from 4 months - 2 years old. Who knew, right? So these aren't classes on how to diaper, burp, or feed your baby. . . exactly. We (those people around these "infants") are referred to as "Educarers" because EVERYTHING we do - how we hold our baby, how we respond to her cries, how we talk to them, feed, them, CARE for them, is what develops the child's understanding for her world and how she sees herself in it. The official definition of a "Educarer" is ". . . one who educated children in a caring manner. . . The way you care for you baby is how she experiences your love." Your care is their education.
So this glorious website I found has so many articles I found. One of my favorites, which has left me to think a lot about what I say and do is Jennifer Lehr's 24 RIE Inspired Tenets. My newest ones to work on: #21, #22, #24
21) "Don't humiliate: Don't talk about your child in the third person in front of them, "You wouldn't believe what Derek did. . . ") Don't chastise him loudly in front of others. . . "
OMG. How many times have I done this? But how true is this? Sometimes I stupidly think since Isabelle isn't completing sentences herself yet, that she must not really know what I'm doing when I talk about her, but HELLOOOOO, of course she understands everything I'm saying! She follows simple instructions, listens to me all day. . . she definitely knows what I'm saying. So, we're working on that (and it's hard!). Usually my stories are stories of how cute is she is. . . does that count? I'm not really sure. So if I really can't help it and HAVE to tell the story right away, I try to include her in the conversation so we're not talking about her while she's standing right there, she's simply there to help share the story.
22) "Don't ask your child to perform: Don't ask your child to perform for you or for family, or for friends. This includes things as seemingly harmless as saying, "Can you tell me what color this is?" or asking your child to sing a song. Children should not be expected to be sources of on-demand entertainment. Likewise, don't make or even encourage them to kiss or hug you or anyone else as in "Can you give Grandma a kiss?" Physical expressions of love should come from a genuine place."
Yep. Totally do all of that. I'll admit, when I first read it I thought, "But how will she learn? And isn't affection something that shows respect?" Then I just realize it's how it's approached. Now that I've backed off however I can, I've found she is more than willing and happy to show me what she knows. This week, she loves showing me colors. "Blue!" "Green!" She is so excited, and so am I. . . which brings up that I also try to keep in mind #17, reflect rather than praise :) I also try to ask, not demand. So instead of "Can you give Grandma a kiss" it's, "Would you like to give Grandma a kiss?" or "Can Grandma have a kiss?" A request or suggestion, rather than a demand. If she doesn't want to kiss, that's okay! No forced affection. Hopefully my alternative is acceptable RIE :)
24) "Don't Label: Labeling your child anything - be it "shy" "energetic" or "a little monster" (even in jest) - gives them scripts that they then live up to."
Again, at first I thought, "a little extreme". But I ALWAYS do it. "Are you shy?" "You crazy girl!" "Oh, look at my little monkey!" And it is impossibly hard not to do. So I've instead trying to play with my wording to make sure I wasn't saying she IS that. It's almost impossible to not get comments on how "shy" she is when we come into a room. "Aww. . . Isabelle, are you shy?" "Isabelle is SO shy" etc, etc. I try to justify or correct and say something like, "Oh, she just likes to take some time to soak it all in, she's just checking things out!" When Isabelle is very rambunctious, instead of saying she's hyper or crazy, comment that, "You sure are having fun!" or "You have so much energy right now!". etc, etc. I know, initially it seems silly, but really, I don't want her growing up feeling like she IS what she's been labeled. "I'm shy, so I need to hold back and stay away from large groups." "I'm hyper, so I can run around like crazy b/c that's
what I'm expected to do." It might be subconscious, but still there. I want her to be who she really is, not who she has been TOLD she is.
With these rules, I try to make sure I don't say anything to her that I wouldn't say to a friend, and that covers lots of it. For the examples above, if I brought a friend to a party, I wouldn't explain to the guests I introduced her to that she is shy. When my husband comes to my mom's house, I don't say to him, "Give my mom a hug and a kiss!". If my friend did something I thought was stupid, I wouldn't talk about it infront of her to another friend, acting like she wasn't there; "You wouldn't believe what Julie did the other day!" On other RIE things. . . If my friend was hurt, I wouldn't tell her, "You're okay. . .". If were having lunch and she told the waiter she was finished, I wouldn't say, "Are you sure you don't want just one more bite?" Silly, right? Just trying not to be an adultist :)
You can listen to your child and respect what they have to say. Even if you don't like it. This doesn't mean they are the boss or you don't have to set limits. It just means you are letting them know that you will listen, trust, and respect them and how they feel.
Are you all warm and fuzzy now?
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