Timing "In"

I'm sure you have all heard of Time-out. Who hasn't? Your toddler does something you don't like, so you tell at them that whatever they are doing is wrong, and plop them in Time-Out. You might even suggest to them that they "think about what they've done". Which all sounds good and dandy until you realize that you are putting a pissed off toddler into a place, withdrawn from everybody to think about what he's done, when all he is REALLY going to do is think about how horrible you are and how unfair it is because he isn't even old enough to have the mental capacity to be able to contemplate this past actions. All he just learned is don't hit Tommy when mommy is around instead of don't hit Tommy because it hurts. It is merely turning his action to be about HIM, and it's not about him, it's about Tommy. Personally, I don't want my kid to hit b/c of how it makes the other person feel, not because he just doesn't want to get into trouble. Not to mention you are essentially telling your child, "I will only love you when you are good and act the way I want you to act." Anger, fear, jealousy because "bad" emotions that children shouldn't have and are punished for having them. You are withdrawing your love -- giving them conditional love. I love you when you are happy/sweet/loving, not angry/frustrated/jealous. It's punitive, causes shame, and is all about how bad you can make the child feel. Sound extreme? Sure. But even though that might not be how you feel you are acting, it's about how THEY feel about it. So if they feel like mommy doesn't love me UNLESS. . . that's all that matters.

Okay, obviously, I'm not a fan of Time-Outs. I could go on and on. We'll save that for another day (Yay! Right?!). Let's think of the opposite of Time-Out; Time-IN.

The idea of Time-In is to have a tool to help center and calm your child when they need it. First, you need a place. Some parents have an entire corner designated to Time-In's with some comfy pillows, books, blankets. . . others merely have a certain chair or couch they may use. Really, you can go ANYWHERE. Then, all you need is you and all that motherly love you've got just beaming inside of you. (Hehehe). Let's be honest about it; kids can easily be over-stimulated. And toddler especially have a hard time coping with all of the new emotions they are feeling. So whenever something is going on when you feel your child might need to "regroup", that's when you use the time in. The two of you go over there together, sit down, snuggle, read books, talk. . . whatever. Reconnect. Center. CALM THE F*#% DOWN. It helps children develop an emotional intelligence, increased self-awareness, and a positive self-esteem.

Let's try a similar scenario. I'll make it a girl this time as to not be sex-biased. Let's say Sally is playing with a friend (we'll call her Katie) and gets frustrated over *whatever* and throws her toy at Katie. Traditional parenting would say, "We don't throw things at people!" and put her in TO. Instead, you approach Sally, reach out and say, "Come on, let's have some time-in together". If they've been practicing time-ins, chances are she'll accept her invitation, you can carry her away from the chaos, and find a place to sit and cuddle. If it's a nursing toddler, it's also a great time to nurse. After a few minutes. . . or however long it takes. . . Sally is feeling better - you know, she's got that warm and fuzzy feeling -- and she gets up to explore. She may go back to play and if she does, you know her batteries are recharged and she is at a much better mental state to go back to playing. All is Well.

What if you have the resistant toddler? That's okay, too. Time-In is an invitation, nothing that is forced (unless you have to do so for the safety of your toddler or someone else). You can sit on the ground between the two children and begin the time-in process right there.

Some people might argue that time-in are rewarding bad behavior. These aren't dogs. For any human, aggression feels unpleasant, so it's not like they'll think, "Wow, I threw my toy and mommy came over to cuddle with me!" Ideally, you want your kids to know that they can get love, affection, and attention anytime they need it. Poor behavior due to the need for attention is another problem entirely and the behavior is merely a symptom of an unmet need (love and affection). Time-In's are simply being kind and compassionate to your child to help him learn more appropriate ways to deal with his frustrations, while still letting him know that it's okay and normal to feel that way sometimes. Kapeesh?